This past Sunday was Father’s Day. This may be the only day out of the year, I consciously think of the man, who so graciously deposited the sperm which contributed to my life.
It is the only contribution he has ever made.
After almost 37 years, I have yet to meet this donor face-to-face. Yet, I can’t help but to feel a sense of gratitude to him for playing such an important role in my life, after all, without his participation I wouldn’t be here to tell this story.
As a child, when I thought of him, it was with anger and pain. I didn’t understand how he could know he had a child in this world and choose not to acknowledge them. I wondered how could he sleep at night, not knowing if his child was dead or alive, or if he even cared. I internalized these thoughts and emotions for years. I accepted the belief that I was unworthy and unlovable. There had to be something wrong with me if my own father would not acknowledge or love me.
His careless disregard for the life he created…MY LIFE… affected me in numerous ways.
I wore rejection, bitterness, and anger as a cloak, to hide the confused and hurt little girl that I was on the inside. There was a seeping wound in my soul that contaminated my life. This emptiness was like a black hole and in my attempts to fill this void; I made a lot of mistakes, wrong choices, and bad decisions, especially in regards to the men in my life. I had low self-esteem and no sense of my self-worth. I was promiscuous with little regard for the type of man that I allowed into my life. Most of them were selfish, emotionally unavailable, manipulative, controlling and in one case verbally and physically abusive. No matter how hard I tried, I could not fill the void my father left behind. I was simply trading one type of pain for another.
After my daughter was born, I knew that I had to change. I wanted to be someone that she could look up to, someone that she could count on. I realized that if I wanted to do better, I had to be better.
Through my journey, I learned that I had to forgive this man for what he didn’t do for me. I had to forgive him for choosing not to be a part of my life. I had to accept that he was also human and prone to mistakes. I had to forgive this man for forsaking me. But, most importantly, I had to ACCEPT and BELIEVE the fact that there was nothing wrong with ME. I could not carry the weight of his burden any longer.
It wasn’t an easy process. There were so many unanswered questions, which I have never been able to get answers to. It took awhile for my mind to get in agreement with my heart, so that I could finally let go.
I talked to God through this entire process. I shared all of my hurt, pain and disappointments with Him; the mistakes and bad choices I had made. I poured my heart and soul out to God. I asked Him to help me. I asked God if he would be my Father.
An amazing thing happened that night. I felt an incredible peace come upon me. I felt an amazing love surround me, envelope me, and move through me. I began to cry, from the sheer joy of that love. A Father’s Love. The dark space within me was filled with light. The wounds in my soul were healed. The root of bitterness was plucked from my heart. The burden that I was never supposed to carry was lifted from my shoulders. I was FREE!
The power of God healed me. The love of God made me whole. God is a Father to the Fatherless.
So this past Sunday, I didn’t pick up the phone to call an earthly father. Instead, I worshiped, praised and thanked my heavenly Father…..the Father of all Fathers…my God!